How to write your online dating profile for a dating website.

The User Illusion

The term “User Illusion” was coined by Xerox PARC computer scientist Alan Kay, during his groundbreaking work on what became known as the “graphical user interface” (GUI). Your prospective girlfriend must interact with you, via her computer. In the strange world of internet dating, you don’t really exist. Her computer presents her with an “illusion” of a man writing messages to her. But in reality, you only exist as some lights on her screen. But, she doesn’t want to fall in love with a screen. She wants to fall in love with you! So, if you can understand the intricacies of this digital interaction better, then you will be better able to “crystallize” yourself into a real person.

How she comes to know you

We live in a world filled with a constant barrage of media input. So it’s important to understand how our message will be received by our target consumer. The below outline specifies the order in which your various types of communiques will reach your target — after you have sent her your first email. Specifically, this is how it works on Match.com, but other dating sites are not much different.

You send Email 1
She looks at your screen name – appearing in the Sender column of her email queue.
She reads the subject Line of Email 1
She sees a small version of your picture – A low resolution version (80 x 100) of Photo 1 of your profile will often be included in your first email to her.
She reads the message body of email 1
She logs on to the dating website to checkout your complete profile if her interest is sparked.
She reads your profile heading.
She reads your profile content.
She looks at all of your pictures.
She takes a moment to reflect on the dataset.
She consolidates everything in her mind (mostly subconsciously) and makes a final determination about whether to write you back or not.

Do you see why consistency is so important in your profile? All of the online media resources you create must manifest a congruous theme. If, in your profile you sound like a “bad boy”, in your pictures you look like a nerd, and in your emails you sound like a “nice guy,” then a women will probably assume you’re fronting.

The seductive power of words

“Give me ten minutes to talk away my ugly face, and I will bed the queen of France.” – Voltaire

“Men fall in love with their eyes-they like what they see-and women fall in love with their ears-they like what they hear.”- Zsa Zsa Gabor

“Seduction is a psychological process that transcends gender, except in a few key areas where each gender has its own weakness. The male is traditionally vulnerable to the visual… For women the weakness is language and words: as was written by one of D’Annunzio’s victims, the French actress Simone, “How can one explain his conquests except by his extraordinary verbal power, and the musical timbre of his voice, put to the service of exceptional eloquence? For my sex is susceptible to words, bewitched by them, longing to be dominated by them.”- Robert Greene in “The Art of Seduction”

“Much of human courtship is verbal courtship: “boy meets girl” usually means boy and girl talk. At every stage of courtship, language is displayed, and language is subject to mate choice. Teenagers agonize over the words they will use when they telephone someone to ask for a date. Stuttering, sudden changes in voice pitch, awkward grammar, poor word choice, and uninteresting content are usually considered such fatal errors by their perpetrators that they often hang up in shame, assuming that they will remain sexual failures forever. Things are not so different a little later in life. Adults in singles bars nervously rehearse their pickup lines, and mentally outline their conversational gambits. After basic greetings, verbal courtship intensifies, progressing through self-introduction, observations concerning immediate social surroundings, compliments, and offers of minor favors. If mutual interest is displayed, people go on to trade more personal information, searching for mutual acquaintances, shared interests, and ideological common ground…This verbal courtship is the heart of human sexual selection. Although people may be physically attracted before a word is spoken, even the most ardent suitors will offer at least a few minutes of verbal intercourse before seeking physical intercourse.” – Geoffrey Miller

In America, romance novels are the most popular genre of literature. They comprise nearly 55% of all paperback books sold every year! And they are primarily sold to women. Let’s take a look at a sample:

“His deft fingers trailed over her fiery flesh, halting here and there to labor lovingly in special areas. Yet, her flames were not extinguished, only heightened. Moans escaped her parted lips. Her fingers buried themselves in his dark blond hair. Her mouth placed kisses everywhere they could reach. She shuddered when his experienced and gentle fingers stimulated her woman’s domain. She sensed his height of arousal. Closing her hand around his flaming torch and caressing it, she brought forth a deep groan from his lips. It was sleek and hot, and had the power to drive her mindless with pleasure.”- “Wild, Sweet Promise” by Janelle Taylor

Perhaps because men are constantly optically stimulated by women, it is sometimes hard for us to appreciate the power of words in seduction. A woman usually has a relationship with the written word that is quite different than a man. Men tend to use words to accomplish tasks and deal with logistical issues. Women read into words, to try to decipher the deeper meaning they supposedly contain.

In seduction, a man’s mouth is probably his greatest tool. The average adult English-speaker knows around 60,000 words. And yet, in the 1920s, Oxford philosopher I. A. Richards and C. K. Ogden developed “Basic English” – A stripped-down version of English which contained only 850 words! Richards and Ogden showed that any idea that could be conveyed in regular wordy English, could actually be conveyed in their own miniscule version. So why then are large, costly regions of our brain devoted to producing, interpreting, and remembering so many complicated sounds?

Geoffrey Miller contends that human language is another “peacock’s tail.” It is a superfluous, overly elaborate “bird song” designed to convey the message “I’m fit, witty, and charming, and you should mate with me.” It is unfortunate that boys are not taught the art of conversation in school, for it is primarily via this form of communication that sexual fitness is conveyed in a social venue. And in your typical singles bar or nightclub (where young men and women basically bloviate about nothing in particular for hours on end) it is almost exclusively via a man’s mouth that a girl comes to know a boy. This is why, from a cost-benefit perspective, it is in every man’s interest to really work to develop his conversational skill set (particularly his story telling skill, vocal projection, humor, and the confidence he portrays during his delivery). And, in the modern era where we spend so much time exchanging written words, developing your writing abilities obviously beneficial.

Beware the strange power of priming

The pen is mightier than the sword. Words influence our behavior and our mood in subtle ways that we are generally not aware of. Here are two famous research examples:

Two groups of students were asked to unscramble sentences. The students in Group A were given rude words like: “aggressively,” “bold,” “rude,” “bother,” “disturb,” “intrude,” and “infringe.” The students in Group B were given polite words like: “respect,” “considerate,” “appreciate,” “patiently,” “yield,” “polite,” and “courteous.” After the test, the students were unknowingly placed in a situation in which they had to interrupt a conversation in order to accomplish a task. The students in the “rude group” interrupted after about five minutes. Surprisingly, 82 percent of the students in the “polite group” never interrupted at all! – Research by John Bargh of New York University.
Black students taking a graduate entrance exam, who were merely asked to write down their race before taking the test, got half as many questions correct, as those black students who were simply given the test. – Research by Claude Steele and Joshua Aronson of the University of Texas.

When you are writing your profile, try to ask yourself what kinds of emotions are associated with the words you’re using. Often, when I peruse the profiles of both men and women on the internet, I see a lot of negativity. And negative people are not attractive. Let’s look at some positive and negative words.

Words that excite female emotion:

connection
real
legitimate
just feels right
genuine
sincere
honest
energy
unique
positive
click with
that tingling feeling
warmth
caring
a good vibe
ambitious
quality not quantity
kindness
rare

Words to be careful with:

creepy
awkward
feels wrong
weird
strange
eerie
fake
peculiar
tired
liar
manipulator
cheat

Sample sentences:

With the above in mind, let’s take a look at some ways to cast a negative statement into a more welcoming light.

Negative Statement: “I’m tired of being alone.”
Positive Statement: “In my last relationship I loved having someone to share my day with, and I’m looking for that connection again.”

Notice how the first sentence contained the negative words “tired” and “alone.”

Negative Statement: “I’m sick of the stupid nightclub meat market.”
Positive Statement: “I like the idea of meeting new people in someplace other than a nightclub.”

Again, see how we turned a sentence wrought with negative words (sick, stupid, meat market) into a more positive expression of our goals.

Negative Statement: “I’ve been cheated on in the past. And I’ve dated my share of manipulative liars and fakes. So if this is you, then you need not apply.”
Positive Statement: “I’ve had my share of life lessons. But no regrets. They’ve taught me to really value the rare women I meet who display genuine warmth and honesty. So I’m always looking to make a connection with someone I really click with.”

Now this first sentence is simply wrought with negativity. Why would a healthy young woman want to go out with a misanthrope who dwells in such darkness?
Now don’t go overboard with this information. You still need to compose some genuine text that accurately reflects your desires. But make an effort to be consciously aware, of the power your words will have on her unconscious mind.

Some tips to consider before you begin writing

Syntax, Form, and Voice

Don’t fill your profile with emoticons or random text jumbles. Instead, write a few tight and well composed paragraphs.
Don’t write a novel. Keep it short. Develop an appreciation for the power of brevity.
Use pristine spelling and grammar throughout.
By all means, do not preface your paragraph with a “shout out” like “Hey all you hot chicks out there!” or “How’s it goin Party People!”
Don’t write like you’re publishing an academic research paper. Too many “fifty cent words” will scare her off.
Avoid business-like formality like, “Dear Madame” or “To whom it may concern”. Speak to her in your own voice – as if you were talking to a friend of a friend. When your target is reading your profile, she will most likely be alone in her room sitting at her computer. So your text should take a tone of intimate one-on-one communication.

The general mood of your profile

Convey positivity
A confident ease with your own ability to handle life
Intelligence
Cosmopolitan sophistication
An interesting and unique perspective on something
The sense that you are selective in your mates and friends
The sense that your life is full of goals that you are currently striving for
The sense that you know what you want and how to get it
A love of your life and an appreciation for it
Self-sustainability
A willingness to share a portion of your life with a good woman
A sense of adventure
An appreciation for novelty
High self esteem
High social status
Some spice of cocky humor, and a spirited challenge
Ambition
An edgy element – an adventurous leader or a “bad boy”
Unpredictability

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